The end of the world is upon us and alas, there is still no hockey. To pass the time I’ve been revisiting some of my favourite television shows and movies. Currently, I’m re-watching Succession, the show with a banger of a theme song so phenomenal, it’s my alarm clock tone. It’s an amusing character driven show, featuring some of the most abhorrent personas on T.V. Thus, naturally, I’ve compared those repugnant Succession characters to some of the Canucks.
Logan Roy
He is the Rupert Murdoch founder and CEO Waystar Royco and patriarch of the Roy family. In true media conglomerate fashion, he positions the company before family. Logically, Francesco Aquilini is Logan Roy. The billionaire is a fine owner when in comes to the Vancouver Canucks. However, true to his billionaire form he puts profits before people. Ask those underpaid migrant workers about the working conditions on his berry farms.
Connor Roy
The large adult son of the family, Connor is the most disconnected from Waystar Royco and its politics. He desires to be the President of the USA which, embarrasses his family. Loui Eriksson is the large adult son of the Canucks. He is the overpaid, under-contributing member who is often healthy scratched. He embarrasses Canucks fans with his detested salary and subpar performances. Loui, with his 36 million dollars, might be one of Connor’s perspective investors for his podcast, on Napoleonic history.
Kendall Roy
The addict with an austere need to win his father’s endorsement. He is introduced to us in the back of Mercedes, rapping along to “An Open Letter to NYC” by the Beastie Boys. In season two, he wrote his own rap about his dad “L to the O G.” Jake Virtanen is Kendall Roy. Besides being a fuc boi, he has a burning desire to earn his Dad’s, aka Travis Green’s, trust. Every time he gets close to earning that trust he ruins it with an imprudent decision, falling back into his poor defense and inconsistent offensive ways. Its easy to picture JV18 rapping along to Logic in order to hype himself up before game time.
Siobhan “Shiv” Roy
This calculated queen is the most astute of the Roy children. A stone-cold killer in the workplace, she orchestrated political backchanneling on her wedding day. Elias “Petey” Pettersson is the Shiv of the Vancouver Canucks. Petey is cutthroat on the ice. He is the niftiest player on the team and lacks compassion for all opponents. Also, they both share a ravishing sense of style that stops spectators dead in their tracks.
Roman Roy
Roman is perceptively self-aware that he is a dreadful person just like the rest of his family and he doesn’t care. He wants to take over Waystar Royco but, he is the utmost unqualified to do so because he doesn’t want to work hard. He abuses his power at whim. Brandon Sutter is his counterpart. Brandon is the least productive member of the Sutter family, statistically. Unfortunately, he is always hurt and unable to contribute to the team causing him to be an expensive bottom 6 forward. Similarly, to Roman Brandon would buy Brent Sutter the wrong soccer team in a desperate attempt to win his affection.
Cousin Greg Hirsch
Cousin Greg is the inelegant, underprivileged, far-removed great-nephew from the Roy family. He was training to be a mascot before infiltrating the Roy’s and working his way up the company under Tom. He ends up working at ATN, the Fox News of Waystar Royco. He channels his inner Roy and connivingly blackmails Tom to get out of ATN. Who else would be the gangly giant other than Tyler Myers? Myers often looks awkward like a giraffe on ice skates. He infiltrated the Canucks top two defensive pairings while being underqualified. He should take a page out of Greg’s playbook and blackmail Nolan Baumgartner so he can play with Quinn Hughes.
Tom Wambsgans
Sycophantic towards the Roy family, Tom never came from money and climbed the corporate ladder before he and Shiv got together. He is into weird hazing which, he often takes out on cousin Greg and his juniors. Adam Gaudette is your Tom Wambsgans. He is a typical hockey boy, and like Tom, probably refers to his bros as the “Fly Guys.” Desperate to be with his hockey bros, he climbed the hockey ladder from the AHL to the NHL and earned a place on the roster.
Canucks Crux 